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Susan Page on Oprah Winfrey
Do you often find that you work hard to communicate with your partner — using all the relationships advice you've learned — and afterwards you feel worse?
Welcome to my website – and my relationship books – where you will find refreshingly different advice that bypasses the need for better communication! My spiritually-based relationships advice is different because it explains
- why it is a MYTH that communication is the most important relationship skill and why communication fails many couples
- how one partner, acting alone, using LOVING ACTIONS, can create rapid positive change in even very troubled relationships
- why couples should STOP trying to solve their problems
- why fairness and equality are NOT important in relationships
- the surprise MOST IMPORTANT SKILL couples should cultivate
- how to treat relationship as a spiritual practice (not religious, but spiritual in a broader sense)
Most couples think, "We'd be happy if we could just solve our relationship problem," and they have the illusion that by discussing the problem, they will solve it. Rarely is this true! What is true instead, is that if you focus on feeling happy together (by using my 8 spiritually-based Loving Actions), you will develop a broader consciousness, and your problem will disappear. You will "outgrow" your relationship problem, and you can stop forever trying to "fix" it!
The best news about my relationships advice (available both here on my website and in my relationship books) is that you can create a major, positive shift in your relationship working individually, without even consulting your partner! Your Loving Action may even have a surprise quality to it, as if you are a kind of elf or angel offering a secret loving gift. My Actions are easy to learn and implement. And, at the same time you are "outgrowing" your relationship problem, you are automatically becoming a more spiritual person. Each Loving Action is a possible answer to this question, "If I were going to behave in accord with my highest spiritual values right now, what would I do?"
Why Talking So Often Fails
My relationship books have been popular precisely because they shatter the deeply entrenched relationships advice that (you've heard this so often before), "Communication is the most important relationship skill." Good communication is a great thing! However, it is NOT the best way to solve a relationship problem because
- Discussion requires the cooperation of both partners, often a huge barrier even to getting started.
- Relationship problem-solving skills are high-level skills and many people don't do them very well, even after reading all the best relationship books.
- If one partner is better at discussion skills than the other, this means you are starting out on an uneven playing field. Your attempts at "processing" may actually create new problems and not solve the original relationship problem at all. How often have you tried to talk about your issues with your partner and ended up feeling worse!
- The true "hidden agenda" behind most "communication" is, "We could solve this relationship problem if you would change (listen to me, be more cooperative, spend more time with the family, be less controlling, . . . fill in the blank!) But your partner will never be able to change fundamental personality traits! Besides, asking your partner to change does not honor the precious person you love, or the person your partner is struggling to become. Your partner will thrive with your love and support, and will shrivel up if you keep giving the message, "You aren't quite good enough the way you are." (That's the most important relationships advice anyone can give you!)
An Example Of Spiritual Partnership At Work
Here's a quick example from one of my relationship books that shows how my Loving Actions can solve a relationship problem.
Bill and Karen had exhausted their efforts to solve her frustration about his controlling attitude around money. They had talked, communicated, dialogued, made "I" statements, and repeated back what they heard each other say—for years. They both felt defeated and hopeless. Then Karen began to use a completely new kind of tactic by becoming what I call a "Spiritual Partner." She gave up the idea that she could somehow solve this relationship problem (Loving Action # 2), and focused instead on creating a harmonious atmosphere in their home. She began to Practice Restraint (Loving Action #4) by not talking about money or Bill's controlling attitude at all. She showed a Spirit of Goodwill (Loving Action #1) by saving money in several quite visible ways and sharing this with Bill. She Acted on her Own (Loving Action # 6) by finding imaginative ways to meet her own needs without upsetting Bill. Karen single-handedly "disappeared" this old relationship problem! Bill was still controlling about money, but the issue was not a "problem" for the family any more. And Karen, far from feeling she had "given in" or "had to do all the work," felt an enormous amount of personal power and a sense of accomplishment and relief. She didn't "solve" the problem. Instead, by developing a larger consciousness and applying spiritual principles, she helped her family "outgrow" it. The family became a happy, harmonious place to live—which, after all, was their primary goal!
Relationship Books
You will find more information on all of my relationship books by clicking here.